SOLITUDE – Learning to Love Yourself

‘7 levels of Intimacy’ –  written by Matthew Kelly – made an incredible impact on me. I  read it in an effort to improve yet another failing love relationship.  It is very basic information that actually I already knew. Or at least had heard before.
But the first chapter turned a light bulb on for me about WHY I had to go thru the ‘shit sewer’ alone.

The first chapter spoke about the first level of intimacy – intimacy with yourself. You cannot receive from someone else what you cannot give and you cannot give what you are not able to receive. Loosely translated, if you don’t love yourself you can’t love someone else and if you can’t give yourself love you cannot receive it from another. So learning to give and receive love from yourself is foundational to giving and receiving love from another.
So how do you do that?   The same way you learn to love another; spend time with them, time alone with them. You cannot really know someone until you know them intimately and alone. The first three months of a love relationship – you don’t want to be around others, you want to be alone, to get to know that individual.  And only in knowing them can you really learn to love them. Loving your self is no different. Spending quality time – alone time – with yourself is key to learning self-love, self-esteem, self-respect and all the other self’s.
Has it ever occurred to you why it is so hard for those of us addicted to everything outside of ourselves – to be alone, really alone. No one on the phone, no one in the other room, no one at the bar, no one to argue with, no one on the radio or tv, no music playing, nothing to distract us – just good quality time with self.  For most of us who do not love ourselves, this is impossible.
It is painful at best and impossible at worst. We who are addicted to every distraction, from, love to sex, to alcohol, to tv to work, we find it excruciating to be alone with just ourselves.  But, this is the only way, the only thing that will allow you to learn self-love and  to free yourself of the oppression and evil that society calls depression.
You know how it feels when you do not want to be where you are but you know if you leave you won’t want to be there either. You know that feeling that you don’t want to be in your own skin, but there is no escape except the company of someone else, some distraction, some addiction. Each time you escape you need a stronger and stronger distraction, because the pain of being is so intense. There is relief from the pain and it is only spending quality time with yourself, to learn to love yourself.
Can you take a walk with no ipod, can you spend time sitting down just enjoying the scenery, can you sit quietly and listen to what your heart tells you.  When you can be alone and quiet, turn off the monkey mind and listen to what your heart is saying, you are on your way to total healing and unimaginable JOY!

IN CLOSING – Peace and Healing

I offered the unfinished version of this book to a friend for editing and feedback.  Giving them the first few pages, they asked a question that made me pause. ‘When did you feel the shift, when did you first know the healing had occurred?’

One morning I was at my desk journaling and it occurred to me that the black cloud of depression had not floated by in a very long time. I was writing about how odd I felt. I was accustomed to the incredible highs and incredible lows of my mood swings and now they had evened out. I felt a very odd peace for the first time in my entire life. Frankly it was boring!   On some level I had become addicted to the intensity and rush of emotions even if they were painful and dark. I often prayed for peace, now I had it and it was just ‘vanilla.’

Over time that ‘vanilla’ became a very comfortable friend.  Peace, calm, a faint smile, and a serene-ness accompanied me thru out each day. I have become very used to these feelings.  But having been addicted to the drama, peace was difficult to get used to.

In 2 years I have not had a dark day. I have had bad days, I have had stressed days, I have had chaotic days, I have had difficult days and I have had trouble, but I have not had a dark day or the cloud of depression parked over my head in over two years.

A few months before realizing the healing had occurred, I was at Dena’s. She was doing another reading; I would shuffle the deck and she would lay them out in a pattern and tell me what the cards were saying. This one night she glanced up at me and recoiled in amazement. She gasped and stared at my head for what seemed a very long time. She got the most intense look on her face. When finally she could speak she told me that she had seen a black ‘viper-like’ serpent, with arms and legs and very long fangs bared coming out of the top of my head – like it was fleeing.

We both knew it was the sign of my freedom. This was my proof that there really was more to my battle than a chemical imbalance in my brain. Was there an entity or entities oppressing me and creating the depression or was this just a symbol for me to hold onto or take comfort from?

The answer to that question does not matter. I fought a good fight and won. You will fight the fight and win, too.  But in any fight, there has to be an enemy.  Even in weight training the weights provide the resistance or the object to fight against.

What was I fighting against? What will you be fighting against? Is it ourselves, is it our past, is it our upbringing, our past life, our physical/chemical imbalance, is it spiritual, is it Karmic, is it evil? Does it really matter?   As you put one foot in front of the other and show your willingness, all will be revealed and you will understand.  Just fight the fight.

In winning your battle and creating your own healing, you energetically contribute to the healing of countless others and the world.  As you break the hold on yourself, you weaken the hold on others – energetically.  You will feel completely alone. And on one level you are because no one can win your battle for you, no one can live thru your healing process. But there are millions of others ‘out there’ who are fighting for the light too.

Join together in spirit. Healing is assured and is yours.

FOR JUST THIS REASON

My journey has led me out of constantly second guessing myself and always asking ‘what did I do wrong this time?’ Before my trip down evolution lane I had absolutely no self-esteem and felt like a worm continually, everything was my fault and I lived in perpetual confusion about ‘why’ no one liked me. This too was a reflection of myself back to me from my circumstances.
You see I felt like no one liked me so I would not necessarily create that in my life and friendships but perceive or interpret that this was the case in my relationships and friendships. (The Cosmic Mirror) (My birthday party)
Over the course of my life I would establish friendships, then say one little thing – in an unthinking or unfeeling or caustic way, and that person would not speak to me from then on -really – forever. There are too many to mention – Diane Caudill, Rebecca, Donna F, my mother, my sister and brothers, and Vanessa. – to name just a few.
Vanessa was a business associate, we were in an MLM together and experienced alot of  life’s lessons together – a lot of partying and money-making and money losing together. When the business finally fell apart and all the money was lost, a lot of bad taste and blame was spread around – enough for everyone. We were close in our commiseration.
Vanessa introduced me to Dina. Dina was her psychic and very good friend. When everything first started to crumble, literally falling away like leaves defoliating from a tree, I was scared. So scared I asked her to take me to Dina for a reading. Dina and I subsequently became very close (Dina). But things between Vanessa and I got strained. Was she jealous or did she not want to share Dina with me?
Vanessa decided to go ‘dark’. You know – no longer keep in touch or even answer her phone or emails. And of course my reaction was – ‘what did I do wrong now?’ Dina shared that Vanessa wouldn’t return her calls or emails either, so that took some of the responsibility off my shoulders. (Only now after doing the work and healing my soul, do I see how really arrogant ‘lack of self-esteem’ really is. Is not assuming all the fault and responsibility not the opposite side of the same coin – where we take all the credit?)
Fast forward 3 years, Vanessa has been dark for all this time although we knew she had moved to Sweden with yet another husband/lover.

Dina dies 2 days ago, I have a wedding scheduled that I am flying out-of-town for so I will miss some of the necessary events of the funeral etc. Board the plane, and who is sitting in an aisle seat grinning bigger than a monkey with a banana – Vanessa. We hugged, spoke for about 30 seconds, asked her if she came back to be with Dina. She said no, and I asked her if she knew about Dina. Know what? Well, she died two days ago!
She promised to come back to my seat and talk to me – but no Vanessa during the flight. I was so excited to see her when we got off and I almost ran down the walk-way to the terminal, ran in, looked around, NO VANESSA. She had not waited! How could she have done this to me? Maybe I didn’t say the right thing, maybe she was still mad at me, maybe I shouldn’t have delivered the message the way I did.
And then it hit me. Stop it – this thought is the old tapes, not the new you. You can’t take blame for her not waiting, you can’t second guess every word that comes out of your mouth. Who really knows why she didn’t wait, maybe she was sick and sitting in the bathroom, maybe her lover was waiting, maybe she really still was mad from the past or offended at the present. It doesn’t matter! The truth is – this is her problem, if it is a problem at all. I know my heart. I still love Vanessa! If she chooses to reconnect, I will be so glad, but if she doesn’t, I wish her well and I will stay happy.
The old me would be calling my therapist, the new me knows that maybe the only reason I saw her was to let her know about our friend, Dina!

THE COSMIC MIRROR

Aside from the pain, the hardest part of changing, is looking in the mirror and seeing the problem looking back at you.  Yes, my friend,  That’s right!  They are not the problem, you are!

People reflect back to us who and what we really are and serve as our cosmic mirror. Think about being alone a desert island sitting on the beach, with no one to bother, harass, abuse, demean, challenge, annoy, frustrate, or anger. That sounds like Nirvana – but not for long. Because the same folk who deliver such stress and angst also provide us with our greatest joys.
Friends, family, children, lovers, business associates; they hold the keys to your kingdom, they also hold the chains to your hell. Have not the greatest joys of our life been experienced with people. And have not our greatest heartache been delivered by those same folks.

On a spiritual level we attract into our life what we are and we repel what we are not. It is exactly the opposite on a physical level, we attract the opposite.  You have heard that ‘opposites attract’. So when situations with other people surface, if we are critically honest, we see ourselves.
If you are caught up in an unconscious life, everyone else is the problem. If you are semi-conscious at all you might ask yourself, what have I done to deserve this.   But if you live a conscious life you will understand that these situations reflect us back to ourselves. Notice that all your aggravation and frustration revolves around experiences with others.
I work with a woman who is a real nightmare and that is being incredibly generous. Her drama makes a nighttime soap look like Sesame Street. Everything is everyone else’s fault, the solution is everyone else’s responsibility. Her financial situation, her work situation, her family situation are all a disaster. I have absolutely no compassion nor do I have any tolerance. Most of the time it is quite comical, when it is not so pathetic.
In my cosmic mirror, what did I see. YEP! Myself. I saw myself 30 years ago, I see a wreck of a life. She is the old me. So if indeed that is me, why can’t I have compassion for her, or excuse her ridiculous drama as just an unconscious life? Because I have no compassion for the old me. In this particular case, compassion would say, “oh the poor thing, she doesn’t know any better, so she cannot help it. She is a train wreck but it’s not her fault, she just doesn’t see herself”.   Lack of compassion says ” ‘WAKE THE F&^% UP’ How Many times do you have to fall into the same damn hole before you chose to go around it, or take a different road?”  Really! Just how much does it take to get someone’s attention. (I know, I know, I ‘m working on that lack of compassion, maybe even forgiving the old me).
She will not get it for a while – but you, my friend are here reading this because you are ready. You are ready to evaluate your situations for what they are and realize they have manifested to teach you something, something about yourself.

When we take the initiative to critically scrutinize ourself, the Universe (our higher self – whatever you call GOD) ALWAYS answers.  This process will take you a life time.  It’s like peeling an onion, the layers you uncover reveal deeper hidden layers. The resolved surface issues reveal more deep-seated issues. But as you honestly take inventory (that sounded like a one of the 10 steps) eventually the old crusty outer shell of obstacles, blockages, fears and other people being the problem dissolve and the success and happiness you seek becomes reality.

Go ahead, look closely in the mirror!

TEARS

One of my earliest memories is my father screaming at me.  My mother left, and left behind 4 children under 6 – still not really sure why.  But I was crying, wanting my mother and my father screamed, “shut and stop crying – she isn’t coming back”.  This taught me very early on, that tears were either wrong or I did not have the right to express them.

Many times over the course of my life I would hear the words ‘stop your damned crying or I’ll give you something to cry about’.   The message – shedding tears and expressing emotions come with consequences – one’s that hurt!!!!!

My experience with rehab (Jesse – husband # 2) was my most prominent memory where I could not or would not let the tears flow.  I could cry in front of the men in my life but those tears were more theatrical and calculated.  They were intended to manipulate, they were not a sincere expression or release of hurt or pain.

Crying is cathartic and shedding genuine tears is purifying; they ‘make room for more love’.  Not allowing tears to flow, stifling emotion and not expressing grief, emotional pain and remorse, creates a festering putrification in your soul.    We start to not feel the need for tears, we become hard on the outside, lose all compassion and empathy and become dead on the inside.  Ultimately we live with a low-grade depression that gives birth to despair and mental disorder.   When you can’t express or allow yourself to feel any of the emotions of pain, grief, sorrow, loss, you prevent that expression from doing its work – to make space for the joy and peace that is yours by divine right.

One of my many sojourns in the bathtub, just lying there, me and the bubbles,  I was wishing I could just cry, breathing a prayer.  It felt like I needed to ‘lighten’ emotionally.  Have you ever had to belch and just couldn’t make the bubbles come up, you feel full, and you need to release the pressure but it just won’t work its way out?  Well that is what not being able to cry feels like.  There is a pressure, a fullness, like a weight that just won’t go away on an emotional level.  Instead of crying and releasing, we act out.   Behaving badly, making horribly destructive choices, need to be the show or shrink into the corner, we try to release the pressure but it will  never go away until……    Something is wrong but you can not pinpoint it.

The emergency landing in the plane and the subsequent ‘choosing’ to not see this individual again was the ‘opening of the floodgates of the tears’.   Even though I didn’t know it at the time, I was a ‘love addict’ and this man was a ‘love avoidant’.  Things were not good, this is the way it always was.  I would meet someone, fall in love and they with me.  But a very short time later – everything would fall to shit.  Then we break up and get back together over and over again.  It’s always the same thing.  I would rather be a bad relationship complete with conflict, drama, and soap opera, than no relationship at all.  The pain of being treated poorly was preferable to the pain of being alone.

I knew this on an unconscious level.  After the crash on the drive home – about an 8 hour drive – we had ‘words’.  It was then I made the decision that would change the course of my life forever.   I thought about this long and hard because I knew if I broke off with him the pain would be unbearable, but at some point in my life I would have to go thru it to get to the other side (the shit sewer).  Or I would go thru these horrible relationships for the rest of my life and settle for hating my partner.

So I broke it off with him and in so doing I made a conscious decision and personal commitment that I would not get into another relationship until I had come out the other end free of this love addiction.   (Wouldn’t it be great if just knowing something made it true in our life, or being able to see a pattern gave us the ability to stop it.   Even though I knew what I needed to accomplish and what it would look like, I still found myself in many more relationships that made it painfully obvious that I was NOT there yet)

OMG – the intense personal pain was indescribable.  It’s like someone stabbing you in the heart and it won’t go away.  It was intense loss, and a painful void. I cannot imagine that losing a loved one to death could even hurt that much.  Then it happened, the next morning after the anger and resolve faded, it started; TEARS, prolific tears in torrents, like frickin’ Niagara Falls.  Not just a trickle coming down my face every so often or the kind of tears that are cleansing, but tears that just would not stop, sobbing, ‘what the hell is wrong with this woman’ tears.

Driving my son to his piano lesson, we were having a benign, everyday conversation and tears were streaming down my face.  I was helping in a build out of some new office space and I was painting a room with about 20 other workers, with tears streaming down my face, and painting like nothing was wrong.  No one said a word – probably because they were speechless – what the hell is her problem.  I had to cancel business meetings because I couldn’t talk with all the tears.  I would excuse myself, retreat to the tub and just cry – and it felt fabulous.  It was  healing.  It was oxymoronic – the pain was searing but every bout of tears was like a big emotional belch. Even though the pain was still incredibly intense, every tear made me free – er and lighter.

At some point, I remembered the prayer I had prayed many years before , and was so thankful.

When the tears started I made a conscious effort to not stifle them.  Once they started, I would not go back to old way, where I could not, would not allow the catharsis.  Of course, they did subside after a while, time does heal all wounds, but the new me is so much softer and able to feel.  How free, How light!!!!

Tears are one of the tools or one of the strategies for healing.   When we are depressed, we are stuffing emotions.  I have heard it said the “Depression is anger turned inward”.  It is those stuffed emotions that create the pressure.   We seek relief but the only relief we are given is the ‘script’.  No doctor will tell you to cry because they don’t’ have the time to work with you.  (This is not the place to expound on the broken medical model in corporate America.  Just know that it is designed to keep you sick, not emotionally free and well).   Filling a prescription covered under insurance and is so easy and quick.  Working with a therapist and digging deep to get the ‘shit’ up is painful and takes time and money.  So of course we opt for the easy way out.  But the easy way is not the way out, it is the way to perpetuate the condition.   Medication is designed to keep you from feeling (and subsequently keep you from crying) it is designed to mask the symptoms, so, consequently, you cannot get to the real root of the issue.

If you feel like crying, CRY for Christ’s sake, let the emotion out.  Cry over anything small or large.  You don’t have to cry in front of others.  Lock yourself in the bathroom and allow the tears to flow.  You will feel better.  It will take time, one crying session will feel a little better, you won’t be healed but you will have pulled the thumb out of the dyke.  Let the water works start and you are on your way.

I promise one crying session will make you feel better than one pill.

Disclaimer – if you are taking medication for depression – don’t stop taking it.  Going off your medication without a physician’s supervision is terribly irresponsible and dangerous.  You are hooked,  you have to get unhooked slowly and systematically.  It might actually require you finding another physician who will help. Maybe the one you have now is so entrenched in the system they can’t or won’t help.  But you can NOT do it alone.   Just because you are willing in a strong moment does not mean you are able. – get help

DONE AND DONE HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

This whole journey started on my 50th birthday – that fateful celebration of just me begging the Universe for change.  In the perfect elegance of the Universe it culminated and ended on my birthday as well

Foreclosure, Divorce, Business Failure and Scandal left me looking for a place to live with no job – well no decent paying job.   I had a small nest egg saved and needed it to buy down the price of my rent payments.  After being turned down by several apartment complexes, it became apparent that I either had to buy something or live in a very undesirable part of town.  And I needed a big enough place to put all my furniture* and a room for my college age son.

We found a condo and the way things played out in securing it, left me believing with all my heart that it was the universe’s gift to me after the terrible ordeal I had lived thru.   Things can just miraculously fall into place when you had no hand in it at all.

We moved in with a very large option deposit, and I had the right to buy it for a very small amount left.  It was uninhabitable.  We had to rip carpet out before walking on it and invest 1800 in plumbing before we had running water.  Actually, I was happy because it was a project my son and I could pour our energy into something while circling the wagons and licking our wounds.  This place would be our springboard out of the abyss of failure and reversal of fortune we had been foisted into.

Long story short, one issue after another we faced and overcame; from rehabbing, to flooding, to robbery.  Eighteen  months later, it was time to pay it off.  And now the story begins.

In January – just into the new year I was going to cash in my IRA and pay out the option, own the property free and clear, resell it with owner financing and make the profit and have a passive stream of income.  It was a perfectly brilliant strategy.  But the Universe had other plans.

September, I got a text from the man who sold me – leased me the place.  He said that if I wanted out the investors would be willing to give me my deposit back.  Two things became very apparent 1 – he did not think I was serious or able to buy out the option.  2 – He wanted the place back.  I returned his text saying no thank you.   NO response from him.  HMMM how odd!

In October I called him giving him sufficient notice to let him know my plans.   I had all the monies I needed to close and wanted to close on Jan 18th.  Come January I did what I said, gathered all my money and deposited all of it in a savings account waiting for the info to get the bank check.  We couldn’t close that day because they had to transfer title to their corporation, then they had to incorporate, then they had to fed ex papers several places for signatures, then they had to quit claim the property, then they had to blablabla.  They were stalling trying to find some way to not have to sell to me.

They had no alternative, I had an iron clad contract.  Ok so we are closing and by now it’s April 15th – really 90 days it took these people to stall and then get their act together.  So they finally were ready and signing the paperwork.  We now have to submit the request to the HOA, apparently they have to approve me to purchase the place.  Well looking at the quality of residents that lived in the complex,  it was just a formality.  The required 15 days goes by.  They come back with their answer and it was a NO.  WHAT THE F$%k!!!

Apparently they have first right of refusal.  They felt the HOA was better owner than anyone else so they were going to offer the investors the same deal they were giving me.  (They actually were not allowing any sales b/c they were turning them back into apartments)  We appealed and resubmitted my request to be rejected AGAIN.  They were firm, they wanted the place and were licking their chops at being able to get it for the price I secured it before.  Why not,  two years had gone by and the place had appreciated greatly not to mention als the money I had invested into the rehab.

The joke was on them – the investors were thrilled that they now could NOT sell it to me, so long story short – the HOA did not get it – I did not get to keep it, the investors who were licking their chops screwed me royally in not giving me any of the market appreciation and only ½ of the monies I invested for rehab and upgrade.  To sue would have cost multiples of what I lost.

Here’s the moral of the story – I invested life blood into this place and did EVERYTHING possible and imaginable to make this deal happen the way I outlined, but the Universe had other plans.  This location was a holding place for me and my kid to circle the wagons, lick our wounds, and grow strong from the horrible events that we lived thru.  It also allowed us to grow strong and grow wary and circumspect.  Trust and Verify!!!   It was the pot that the root bound plant – me – was stuck in until the universe got all the other circumstance in order.

In having the place taken from me, it was a door closing.   When you walk out of one room you walk into another.  It was an energy shift.  The low negative energy of the past 5 years trouble and  moving on represented leaving that season of my life.  Losing this place was the last door to close. – Hallelujah

Here is the point  – I did everything I could to make what I wanted to happen a reality – the universe had different plans, my higher self had different plans.  Is it a failure – from a business perspective – yes.  Is it a failure from a life perspective – NO, it’s a huge triumph and elevation.   It is paying the price of Karma, it is rebalancing the scales, reconciling of the accounts so to speak.   It’s time to start over – fresh and unencumbered.

Sometimes we find ourselves in shit – none of it of our own making.  Roll with it – make lemonade out of lemons.  When you don’t understand, rest assured in hindsight you will.  There will come a day when you look back and know WHY things had to play out the way they did – to get you where you ultimately want to go.

If I have learned anything over the last five years, it is this.  When we want something – we want it now and when it doesn’t materialize – like a McDonald’s drive thru – we think either we have done something wrong or the spirit is not listening.  This is not true – anything worth having, building or even becoming takes time to evolve into or out of.  Keep the Faith.  Tough times don’t last – tough people do!  Regarding what it is that you want or want to achieve – develop the right to it, by developing the capacity for it!

THE SHIT SEWER

What an amazing movie the ‘Shawshank Redemption” is!  The metaphor is brilliant and I always refer to that movie when I’m describing what I have been thru.
When Andy Dufresne freed himself from jail, when he finally broke free, he was immediately presented with a test. How bad did he really want that freedom? Remember, he cunningly crafted and plotted to break free. But no sooner was he free, than he was faced with the biggest challenge he would ever face. He had to swim thru a ‘shit sewer’!
When we are faced with the opportunity to break free from our circumstances (and it’s always right there in our face if we want it), we will be challenged – how bad do you want it? what are you willing to do to earn the right to it? are you willing to do whatever it takes to let the work and change be done in you and to you?  You are faced with a shit sewer.
Frankly, there is no more appropriate comparison. Life sometimes presents you with a shit sewer and never more than when we are earning our freedom and our healing. How willing are you to swim that disgusting and painful journey.
You know you need to lose weight but are you willing to endure the pain of discipline in y our choices You want a loving romantic relationship, but you know you will never know the love of another until you learn to love your self, are you willing to do that?
Making the decision to free yourself, making the decision to own and accept your freedom is the easy part.

What you seek comes with a price, living thru what comes next is the hard part. It’s the pain that creates the growth.

LOSS

Thirty days after I started meditating, I went down in a plane. We survived – but the ride down was quite revealing. I was amazed at how calm I was in the face of eminent death. I knew Ricky was taken care of and I was just calm. Sometimes we think of how we would react in a situation like that and you never know until you are in it, but I was calm. When the plane came to a stop, I was literally pushed out of the plane and I spilled onto the tarmac; I was in shock.
When the shock wore off I had two predominant thoughts – 1 – I’m never going out with that idiot again and – 2 – what was I saved to do, why did I survive. Facing imminent death, my life did not flash in front of me, but in asking why I survived, I whispered that whatever I was being required to do, I was willing to do it. Again, be careful what you ask for.
Looking back I see that in order to find the joy, peace and emotional health I so longed for, I had to be free of all encumbrances, free of all those things that I thought made me happy, all those personal possessions, all the money, all those ‘friends’, all the status, all the security, all the pride, all the society, everything. That all sounds very enlightened, like a monk sitting on mountain. But what it really is – is painful as hell and excruciating. It meant I had to be stripped of absolutely everything, I repeat absolutely everything. And that is exactly what ensued.
My marriage was over by my own choosing. What my marriage represented was not love and companionship but the illusion of security. At least the bills were paid. But I remember saying under my breath, I would prefer to cook on a Coleman stove in a tent than stay another day in the house with him. We had often talked of divorce and we had actually made the final decision that we were going thru with it but never had the time to do the paperwork . One day I came home and asked him if he was serious about wanting a divorce and he went off the rails letting me know he couldn’t even stand the thought of breathing the same air I did. I was relieved and told him I was glad because I met someone, they asked me out and I wanted to go. He hmmed and hawed around for about 5 minutes then said he didn’t mind but would I give him the courtesy of waiting until things were final. I immediately agreed to his request and told him to take care of it the next day because I had a date that night. He went ballistic.
He made a statement that has haunted me to this day. He said “if you divorce me, I will ruin you.” This was strange because he really did hate me – you would too if you had to live with me for the last 15 years. But at any rate, why would he want to continue in this ‘war zone’ I replied that the only way he could ruin me was to ruin himself. I knew he wouldn’t do that but he did! We owned a great business together and actually worked well together, we just couldn’t live together. I got the house in the divorce, we continued working the business together and everything else was split down the middle. He moved out and never lifted another finger in our business and never made another house payment.
He moved out and made friends with the wrong crowd, within 6 months he was in rehab, within a year he lost a very important job/career, was wanted by the police and bill collectors and living under the fifth street viaduct. Every house payment went up his nose, and every ounce of credibility we had in business evaporated. I do not believe he consciously orchestrated all this, but his remarks were actually very prophetic.
So there I was with no husband, no lover, no business or income. But what I had was a house in country club that I couldn’t afford, a mortgage, a 2nd mortgage, a son in college, and 100,000 in personal credit card debt from our business and all my ‘friends’ at the club who now knew I had made a huge mistake by divorcing him and took every opportunity to let me know.
It took a while for all the dust to settle but in meantime, I was stripped of a few other things.
I had to go to work, just going back to the ranks of the employed was embarrassing and demeaning enough, but in so doing I was not at home during the day and could not take care of my dog. I couldn’t afford a dog sitter, so I had to find CC a good home. To this day I still miss that dog so much, I felt so inhumane ‘giving’ her away, like I didn’t have a soul.. I know she has a better life than I could have given her but it still represented failure .
I had to sell my piano. Ricky is a very accomplished pianist and when he was very young I invested in his piano. Over the years I would upgrade then pay it off, upgrade then pay it off and finally Ricky had a piano that most pianists will never even play let alone own. But in moving and filing bankruptcy I had no choice but to sell it for pennies on the dollar for money to live on. What a huge failure!!!! And now my kid did not even have a piano to play, thankfully he was in the music program in college so he had access to pianos when he wanted them. I figured by the time he graduated I would be on feet enough to get him another one.
I was never close to my father, I didn’t even like him. One day there was knock at the door. There was the sheriff and my heart sank, I thought Ricky was in some kind of trouble or worse. “Merrilee Kittelstad?” Yes, “Do you know Don Androne….” Yes, what happened, is he ok? He’s dead right “yes’ How did it happen? “He killed himself” I can’t say I was devastated or anything like that. But when the universe is in the process of stripping you of everything, punching you in the gut over and over is not enough, it has to kick you in the teeth too. All I can describe is the hollow empty feeling I had. I really had no remorse and that in itself was a horrible feeling to know I was that devoid of emotion and really did hate him that much. He made a statement as well. He didn’t just go quietly into the night with some sleeping pills or anything. No he had to blow his head off with a shot-gun in bed.
During this time the Universe still had not gotten my full attention. I was still dating and jumping from one relationship to another. I actually surprised myself in how low I could stoop and to the depths of reprehensible behavior I could exhibit. I had an affair with my best friend’s husband. Neither of us made a secret out of it and literally rubbed her nose in it. The women of the club turned on me and now I didn’t even have anyone to play golf with. Golf was hug e part of my life, I loved it and now the women wouldn’t play with me and God help the men if they did.
But what kind of person was I who longs so much for affection and attention that they would shit on someone who had been nothing but kind and generous and accepting of them. To even try to tell you how good this woman had been to me is impossible. She was not without responsibility in what happened but in no way deserving what we did to her. This was like something out of a really good night-time soap. This drama does not end well and the pain I experienced was excruciating but it pales in comparison to the regret I have for the pain,embarrassment, and betrayal I caused her. In one irresponsible and cavalier choice, I lost two really great friends – him and her, all my golf friends, my reputation, self-respect, and my club membership.
So let’s recap. In the space of about a year, I lost my marriage, my business, my income, my lover, almost lost my life, my house, my dog, my piano, my son moved out, my best friends, my golf friends, my reputation, my self-respect , my club membership, and my father. Add all this up and it makes for a lot of loss. But in amazingly elegant style, the Universe added one last crescendo to the whole movement – try going thru all that and menopause too!

MEDITATION – Be Careful what you ask for!

Meditation might just be the hardest thing you will ever do on this earth plane. We are trapped in a web of mental stimulation designed to keep us from the truth of our being. In every area of our life we are driven to focus outside of ourselves; we get caught up in the things that will not satisfy, yet we have to have them. From the newest technology, to the best we can afford, to different, shinier, better than our neighbors; the things we must have and are compelled to pursue are endless. Their (just who are they?) goal is to keep us looking at everything instead of the things that are important. We are hoodwinked into looking without and chasing everything when the real answers, the only joy, and everything we need are found within. That is exactly why meditation is so hard. So many things, so many spirits, even our ego will fight us every step of the way.
After putting those two scriptures together, I tried to meditate and it was a disaster. It is almost impossible to turn off the monkey mind. Our thoughts swing thru our mind like unruly playful monkeys that will not be caught. Disciplining our mind and learning to focus (Focus) is the key to every success and the key to ‘joy’. So I had to start small. I figured I could do this like I would ‘eat an elephant’ – one bite at a time. I could not prevent my thoughts from showing up but I could choose not to think about them. I couldn’t keep the birds from flying over my head, but I could keep them from building a nest in my hair! So I had to play a game.
I bought a kitchen timer, and I set it for 30 seconds. I closed my eyes and if a thought appeared, I pretended it was coming in on a clothes line and as it came swinging in, I just let it keep going, and told myself I would think about that in 30 seconds. I would keep doing that until I could go 30 seconds without any thought. I tried to focus on the spot between my eyebrows (I heard that somewhere) I would do this maybe 4 times a day. By the end of a month a really interesting result occurred. I was able to do 10 minutes at a sitting. But more important than my ‘mental endurance’ was that I had become addicted to the time I would spend not thinking!
It became very obvious that all the pain I was feeling, I was experiencing in my mind. The time I spent meditating was the only time I was NOT unhappy. Because the time I spent meditating was the only time I was not thinking – being victimized by my unfocused, undisciplined monkey mind. Soon I craved my mediation time, and from there I branched out into guided meditations, looking for the ones that were pointed at whatever I thought my biggest issue was at the time.
It seems to me that all the years of praying and crying and searching was actually just me telling the divine what I wanted and how I wanted it delivered. I was like a spoiled child who would not listen – because remember – I knew it all. As soon as I was willing to shut up and listen, only then I was able to start hearing. It was then and not until then that answers and healing started coming. It was like I had said to the Universe – ok – I’m ready to listen. It was a gesture or expression to the Universe that I was serious and ready for the change I had pursued for so long.
It was then the Universe said – OK, if you are ready – let’s get to work. Thirty days later all hell broke loose.

THE HEALING BEGINS – Happy 50th

My story begins at my 50th birthday party. It was one for the history books and will go down as an all time life altering event.
I shared my birthday with all my friends, all the people who loved me were there, all my loving family was there, all the people who respected me in business were there, even all my neighbors who enjoyed my company were there. We had a huge celebration of ONE – ME. That’s right, I celebrated my 50th birthday completely alone. If you looked in the contacts folder of my phone it scrolled for what seemed days. You see, I had no lack of acquaintances, neighbors, family and business associates.
But read the previous paragraph carefully. There were no friends helping me celebrate because I had none. My family all hated me, my neighbors loathed me, and all my business associates had no respect for me at all. There was no love in my life from anyone – including me for myself. I was utterly, completely, and excruciatingly alone. I had alienated everyone in my life, I had pushed them away and erected impenetrable walls to protect myself from others.
It’s an insidious thing – those walls. The same walls you erect to keep you safe are the same walls that keep others out. In our safety we find ourself completely alone. Being alone is not bad. It is actually necessary to learn to love ourselves, but being alone to celebrate the big one, – the pain was searing.
I knew it was going to be this kind of celebration so I planned ahead. I sat on my back porch, in my country club community, in the dark having gathered all the necessary items for my celebration/ritual. I had a good bottle of wine and glass, a sheet of paper, a pen, a small fireproof pot and matches.
I used to be Christian, but I gave up religion for common sense, That said, I still have a deep faith in a loving creator and know that the real teaching of the scripture is true abiding and for everyone that suffers this incarnation. The scripture and all the classics teach about joy and peace, calm and contentment, and NONE of those were anywhere close to being real in my life.
So I had planned to make a burnt offering, an expression and sacrifice to the Universe. Thru my tears – and they weren’t just trickling down my cheek slowly, they were torrential, blinding and stinging, I wrote a list of everything in my life that I hated; everything about me that I hated, that everyone else hated, that I was absolutely committed to changing regardless the price. The first 50 years were sheer anguish and the next fifty were absolutely NOT going to be the same or I did not want to go on living.

Here’s the short list.
o I hated the feeling of self loathing that followed me like Pig-Pen’s black cloud
o I hated that I did not have one friend ( if you want friends you have to be friendly, dahhhhhh)
o I hated that my family and I never spoke – hadn’t spoken to my brothers and sister for almost 32 years, since high school
o I hated that I hated my father, I hated that he hated me.
o I hated that I hated others because they didn’t like me
o I hated not being liked
o I hated alienating people – saying something stupid and cutting just to be funny, to have them never speak to me again,
o I hated that I had no man in my life to love me – yes I had a husband – # 3 but he hated me too
o I hated that my son had no respect for me – he got up in my face and called me a foolish immoral woman
And the list goes on……..but I wrote it out, making sure I wrote down everything I could think of. I reverently begged the Spirit for help. I cried and offered up the list promising to do whatever it took to heal myself, change and change my life, because my life not worth living. (We are no talking suicide or anything else that quick and painless – just a determination to figure out what the hell was my problem and fix it.)
After breathing the prayer, I lit the list on fire and let it burn to ashes in the little pot. It was an expression to the Universe – God – divine that the old me was no longer and the new me was ready – well ok – willing to be born. That evening and that ritual set off a chain of events that literally dragged me into the bowels of hell and thru the ‘shit sewer’ – the pain of which has done it’s work and brought me out of the dark and into the light.
My prayer for you is that anything /something that I have experienced will help you make your own escape from and heal your life of desperation and depression and come to know the joy, peace and happiness that is yours by divine right. You are not reading this by accident, chances are there are things in your life that you know you must change to heal your life, and your relationships. Today’s how-to guru’s spout a lot of rhetoric, they circle around the issues by helping you rearrange the symptoms but never actually get to the heart of the matter. They cannot tell you exactly what it takes and how to get thru it because they have not experienced it. I do not wish or intend to tell you anything, but I would like to share my story, wherein you just might find the courage to do the same.
So if you are finally ready, let’s go together.

“Never are we less lonely than when alone,” this is only true for those who really love themselves.